What happens when there is no coming back from a tragedy? What do you do when you have all of the answers to keep going, but there is this unseeable force that is keeping you back. Something that has a strength unlike anything you have ever experienced before. I find myself trying to grasp hold of my current reality so I can find resolve and peace one day, but it just seems impossible. is this really my life? What is my lesson here? How do I move on from this and truly let go? I feel like I am being punished. Ten years in and it is still this torturous game, and for awhile I was able to walk away and continue my life. I believed that we finally had met our end, that we had finally worked through all the possible facets of what could be us. Why couldnt it have just stayed that way. I at least was able to go through my day without wanting to cut my heart out. but you came to me, out of nowhere, right when I was more vulnerable than I had been in years. there you were, offering up my dreams and your strength to get me through. why did you come to me. why couldnt you have just kept it to yourself so that now from that day until now, i am a fucking mess. i cant even distinguish between sadness and real waking life anymore, there is no separation, there is no relief, it is so completely melted into one, that I have no escape. please, help me, someone, some thing. so many beautiful people keep coming into my life, but it only helps maybe for a moment. it doesnt continue and keep going through the day, through the night, into my dreams, when I wake up. the sickness, the despair, the heartache. it is eating me alive.

I guess I have to stop asking why and how and now ask what is next. i have to find a way to use all of this pain and sadness and sickness that is being held in every part of my body to do something wonderful and exceptional for myself. what is it that I should do. gather my strength they say, find your center, but what if I am so fucking totally exhausted that I have no strength left. what do i do then? do i just wait around until I die? that is what it feels like, like i am waiting to die. most of my life I have felt this way. what is wrong with my self that I am unable to be a happy person or at least a hopeful person like so many of those growing around me, raising families and living their cherished lives. what is it that i have to do on this Earth that going through all of this is trying to teach me. there must be a reason. there must be an answer to 20 years of pain and grief. please, let me be free. please, I am so tired.

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