The Magic of Place

I find that there is always a yearning within me that never can be placed and never can be fed. I am always searching for some answer that is supposed to give me the feeling of peace, and yet I always come short. I need to find my purpose and reason for being in this time and place. Why was I brought back to this era, one where I feel disconnected most of the time. I am here to do something that makes a difference and I need help finding what it is. Please help me find my way. twenty years I have been waking every day with a void within that keeps me restless and unsure of every choice I make. What am I to do? I ask my guides ands angels that are all around to show me the way. Will I even be capable? Please don’t let me die without living my truth.

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twenty years in and I still cant fight this incessant longing that lingers within me every single day and night. my dreams are full of all my fears realized and there is no escape from the madness that is within me. I want to feel free and be at peace and wake up and know that everything will be ok. what is this karma I must endure that keeps me in this place of self hate and internal torture. why cant I love myself. why cant I stop being afraid of my own reflection. why did this eating disorder ruin my life and keep killing me every day for my entire lifetime. please help me. I cant do this on my own anymore. I need your strength. I am so tired.

I had a dream that I was in love and with my man, we had been living together and I realized I was a ghost. we were still able to be together despite this fact. the panic set in when I realized that I couldn’t take my own life anymore, that I was still here on this Earthly plane, and I couldn’t escape if I wished. I am not sure if that was a comforting or fearful feeling. I need to wake up from a dream that brings peace into my day.

What happens when there is no coming back from a tragedy? What do you do when you have all of the answers to keep going, but there is this unseeable force that is keeping you back. Something that has a strength unlike anything you have ever experienced before. I find myself trying to grasp hold of my current reality so I can find resolve and peace one day, but it just seems impossible. is this really my life? What is my lesson here? How do I move on from this and truly let go? I feel like I am being punished. Ten years in and it is still this torturous game, and for awhile I was able to walk away and continue my life. I believed that we finally had met our end, that we had finally worked through all the possible facets of what could be us. Why couldnt it have just stayed that way. I at least was able to go through my day without wanting to cut my heart out. but you came to me, out of nowhere, right when I was more vulnerable than I had been in years. there you were, offering up my dreams and your strength to get me through. why did you come to me. why couldnt you have just kept it to yourself so that now from that day until now, i am a fucking mess. i cant even distinguish between sadness and real waking life anymore, there is no separation, there is no relief, it is so completely melted into one, that I have no escape. please, help me, someone, some thing. so many beautiful people keep coming into my life, but it only helps maybe for a moment. it doesnt continue and keep going through the day, through the night, into my dreams, when I wake up. the sickness, the despair, the heartache. it is eating me alive.

I guess I have to stop asking why and how and now ask what is next. i have to find a way to use all of this pain and sadness and sickness that is being held in every part of my body to do something wonderful and exceptional for myself. what is it that I should do. gather my strength they say, find your center, but what if I am so fucking totally exhausted that I have no strength left. what do i do then? do i just wait around until I die? that is what it feels like, like i am waiting to die. most of my life I have felt this way. what is wrong with my self that I am unable to be a happy person or at least a hopeful person like so many of those growing around me, raising families and living their cherished lives. what is it that i have to do on this Earth that going through all of this is trying to teach me. there must be a reason. there must be an answer to 20 years of pain and grief. please, let me be free. please, I am so tired.

Awakening

Everything I have always needed to know has always been inside of me. The only thing keeping me from accessing this part of myself is my own self created fear. I am safe and surrounded and full of love, and the worst thing that can happen to me is my human life will be taken from me. I will go on living as a soul and continue working towards light until I am brought back again to share this beauty with the Earth. We are all here to make a difference and fulfill a purpose. this is the school where we go through many difficult lessons every day, but we are faced with these tasks because we are strong enough to get through them. we are never given what we are unable to handle. it may be hard and painful but it is through this heartache and strife that causes us to reach deep down within to find that strength and courage that has always been there to get us through. there will always be relief, there will always be healing, and at times it can feel like a miracle. each time we are faced with hardship, we are becoming closer to the Divine source, cutting away the layers of ourself that keep us from fully experiencing this human life.

Opalite is a delicate clear or milky iridescent stone, which when placed on the Crown Chakra in meditation is said to enhance psychic abilities and induce visions.  In healing Opalite is believed to stabilize mood swings and purify the blood and kidneys.

 

The ‘Stone of Eternity’ brings forth the understanding of the true-self, the true spirit, to free the spirit. The knowing that one can soar higher than expected, can reach unimaginable goals and join as one with the ultimate all, the whole of who we are and why we are.

Opalite teaches the being within, that freedom is not held back by the physical self, it is not held back by race, by language, by religion, by beliefs or by capabilities. This stone encourages one to explore within and all around to learn that even the most unimaginable life goals can be reached, they do not just have to be dreams.

“One must dream in order to grow, one must have thought in order to reach”

A stone to bring one to an understanding that what one touches does not just end there, what one tastes does not just fade, what one sees does not just disappear. There is a wisdom behind all, and that wisdom is to be used, that memory goes past the physical self, it is used for eternity.

Opalite brings peace to all, it is a very beneficial stone to keep in areas where peace and serenity are needed. It is also a very Beneficial stone to be used in the deepening of the sleep state, gain knowledge and courage from dreams in order to better oneself in day to day life.

Also, Opalite help’s to soften a harsh atmosphere or a soften a “hardened soul”. This is a good stone for the release of fears and worries. To help one to face both hope’s and fear’s together, alongside accepting and growing with change.

“The being often lower’s at change, but it is through change that the being can grow and flourish, that Mother Earth can grow and flourish, that Life can continue”

Opalite strongly attracts light beings, it a stone to use in communication’s to the Angelic kind and to attract positive light energies to any being or any area.

A very beneficial stone in helping one to have raised hope and strength, good for lessoning anxiety and soothing frayed nerves.

Opalite gives a gentle reminder that being alone in the past, now or in the future, was and is not of truth.

“I am inside you, all around you and as you are, look within and you shall find me, you shall never be alone, as I shall never be without you” 

How can you do this to me again? How are you able to be absolutely in love with me and addicted to me as you say, and throw me away? What the fuck is happening. Why cant you just have any forgiveness in your heart to give me another chance. why are you so stubborn and cruel. you basically have been lying to me and promising all of these dreams and then you just decide to not act on them. you are such a coward.everything has always been based off of your timeline, whenever you have wanted. you always get what you want when you want it, and if it doesn’t work out for you then you punish punish punish. why would I even want to be with a man like you? why because you cherish my every move but cant offer a conversation. wake the fuck up Sivan. you are in love with the idea of Ryan Chapman, the man, the idol, the person you have created all of these years because he was a mystery. he is no mystery. there is not once ounce of mystery behind those eyes. listening to him speak of his past was so depressing and pathetic, we are nothing alike. he is 11 years older than me and I am life times ahead of him in maturity and intelligence. Ryan, you are not the man I fell in love with. You are not the man that I thought you were. You are everything everyone else told me about you. you have done me a favor. you have thrown away something you will never even come close to getting ever again, and I really do feel sorry for you. it is such a shame that you are allowing your ego and pride get the best of you. if only you had the intelligence to step back and look at the bigger picture than what feels good to you in this moment, you wouldn’t be suffering right now, and you wouldn’t have suffered all of these years of your life. your priorities are fucked and you haven’t changed in any way that is better for you. you have taken so many steps back that I cant even see you anymore, you have fallen behind so far and I am not sure you will ever come back. you are being influenced and it really is so sad, I thought you were smarter than that, I really did. when you come crawling back to me, I pray that I will look at you and just smile and say in your fucking dreams. get the fuck away from me. never ever think you will ever get to touch me again.