Ryan, you are unable to let go of that past pain I have caused you so we are now unable to be together again at this moment. I need to go back and really look at why I made the choices I did to come home. When you came to me last year and said you were ready for me, I finally felt that my dreams were coming true. I had waited many years to for you to finally come to me and actually choose me. However, at that time I had finally reached a point where you were not a possibility anymore for me. you would always be someone that drove me wild and I cared for, but I was in love with Troy and believed that Troy and I were going to be happy together in the end. going through the loss of my grandma put me in an even vulnerable state. you were making fast and intense choices that were convincing me that being with you was the answer to all my pain. I really believed it was time that I finally had my happy ending. So I went through the sad process of pushing Troy away and eventually broke up with him. You and I moved faster than ever and I was in living with you the moment I said goodbye to Troy. You were supportive and loving and helpful in the beginning, and you promised me that you would be understanding through the transition process because obviously I was still in love with troy and it would take time for me to release those connections. So one month in, we were pure bliss. We went to Columbus together and had a beautiful time, however, there were moments where I felt like something was missing. I have to be honest with myself. That morning in the hotel room, I had a hard time with the differences of you and troy. you two are very different creatures and it was hard for me to not compare. I had just been with him, so everything was a reflection and a comparison. It wasn’t intentional, it just was how it was. but shit, we were good together. or was it that you just catered to my every need? you were always so conscious of my every action and every step, always watching me and paying attention. is that normal? is that healthy? I have never been with someone who paid such close attention to my every move, you were literally savoring me at every turn. was that a good thing? I think at first I really loved it but then maybe it became too much. I couldn’t really do anything without you having to be aware of it. I feel like we fell into a routine rather quickly. what happened that caused me to begin to pull away? Why did I do that? What was it about you that didn’t make me feel complete? Why could I not let go of Troy? I missed Troy, I missed looking into his eyes. I missed his energy, his youth, his curiousity, his drive, his talent, his love, his comfort. he had been my best friend for four years and then I wasn’t allowed to really speak to him anymore and it felt like death. there would have been no way that I could have just let that go. I had to figure out on my own if what I had chose was right. what were the things about you that caused me to begin to pull away?
Sudden changes and/or exciting developments trigger a new start. You may have an almost compulsive need for freedom or fresh challenges. These fiery energies are inspirational, passionate and a little wild. It could feel like now or never, all or nothing. Make sure you look before you leap.
It’s possible that events occur that give you a whole new perspective on life. You may need to step back, be more objective and really consider the big picture. Inner shifts free you from limitations and give you the chance to take radical action to eliminate what has blocked you in the past. If you have been feeling powerless or overwhelmed, the pressure is on to assert yourself, shake things up, change. You have the power to lift yourself up. Elevate your mood by getting motivated. Transcendence is the result of purposeful action.
I can feel an internal shift happening within me. There is a sense of peace that is building every day, and I am beginning to see the reasons for the past and understand why I am exactly where I should be. The fire that is burning within me can no longer be dulled down by my fears and inability to make choices on which direction I truly want to take. I just have to start doing, and see where it takes me. I think that following my heart, which is within Witchcraft, is going to be my path to freedom. I have to return to the Earth, and nourish and protect her and use her gifts for the good of others. Begin by harnessing all of this untapped energy that has always been placed into relationships and begin to use it for the extension of yourself. You have always had it in you all this time, but it was always being blocked by the worry and my dedication to relationships. it is time to begin the relationship with myself. Begin to take care of yourself, every day, make conscious choices that serve your higher self. this is why you are here, to reach the highest state of consciousness in this lifetime.
When running into obstacles, there may be an inclination to try to force the issue. Don’t push so hard that you break! Know when to back off. It doesn’t mean you’re not strong enough; it means you know what’s in your control and what isn’t. Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war. Let go of power struggles that waste energy and sap your enthusiasm. Don’t allow yourself to be brow-beaten into submission. Remember you’re in control of you.
Empowerment comes from seeing the tangible results of your influence in the world. Set a firm goal but be prepared to tackle fears and hurdles along the way. Strong pressures may force radical change but sometimes we need a push to let go. What is being released now will ultimately enable you to shine brighter.
There are so many ways in which I can choose to live my life. my reality is of my choosing, and my dreams are turned into the life that I am living. what do you choose to dream into being? that is something you must ask yourself every time you have a thought. you have the ability to dream love and light and laughter and joy into your being or you can dream darkness and sorrow and regret. I am no longer going to let the power of the past take hold over me. what has happened in the past does not equal my future and I can be happy. the power that ryan has over me is only created by my own thought patterns. when you begin to look at him from a perspective of right now, remove all the past and all the attachments and you can begin to see that he is no special or no better than most any man I have run into. I have had such beautiful and great love in my life. I am so blessed to have experienced the life with Cameron. he was truly a love of my life. a man that showed me the world and gave it to me and was there for me for many years, and never just gave up on me because he didn’t get what he wanted. that is true love. here is a man that loved me since we were 12 and 13 years old. he never once hurt me, he never let me down or disappointed me, he never made me feel anything but loved and adored. that was one of the best times of my life. he was unable to find love again until very recently and as sad as that is, It just shows how much devotion and true love that existed between us. still to this day, our connection is just as beautiful and will never leave. focus on that Sivan. this beautiful love that I have for a man that has only showed me compassion and love since the day I met him. now that is what I deserve. that is real love. remember the love of Kip. remember the love of my friends. Troy is someone who has shown me true love. he has never given up on me, and he has shown his true beautiful colors. what a beautiful man he is. a man that puts his egoic needs aside to be there for me. to show me compassion and strength and positivity and the ability to communicate. our connection is something that I will never let go of. I will love him forever.
I am hurting and in pain and unable to see that there can be light once again. I made choices because I felt they were the right thing to do. However, I have lived without him before and I was ok. Remember that Sivan. you can feel love and happiness again. Remember when you met Troy. he was sitting there in the garden and his beautiful blue eyes pulled me over to him like a siren. Sitting down next to him, I was overly honest and shared myself with him. He became someone that I could be happy with. Troy is a beautiful and gentle man who loves me with all of his being and not only do his words tell me so, his actions have proven it time and time again. his level of understanding and forgiveness is unlike anyone I have ever known. let go of the old dream to embrace a new one.
stop believing that life can only me worthwhile with the companionship of a man. life can be just as rewarding and full of light and joy alone. I have been suffering from depression and problems for 20 years now. in those 20 years I have been with men. obviously, this isn’t working. no man is ever going to make me better. no man is going to save me. no man can heal me. no man can make all the pain go away. I am the only one that can save me. I am the only one that can help myself. I am the one who makes the choice to wake up, to smile or not smile, to laugh or not to laugh, to reach out or stay in, to be social or be alone. my life is created by my choices and it is within these choices that I can find peace and freedom. my purpose in this life is not to be with a man. my purpose is to reach the highest state of my being in this lifetime. I was given this human life to be able to share my divine self with the world. what can I offer the world that has nothing to do with a man? I can be a loving friend, a loving daughter and sister, I can help others in need, I can become a healer, I can be wise for those who need direction, I can listen when people need to share, I can provide warmth for those that feel alone, I can show encouragement for those feeling less than. there are so many ways that I can express my truth that have nothing to do with being with a man. being with a man has never solved my problems thus far, so how about you start working on your self for yourself. remember Yosemite. remember that feeling when you reached the top of a mountain, and only you got you there. there was nobody there to praise me, nobody there telling me good job, no one holding my hand. it was all for me and it felt incredible and that is my sacred place. where I feel free and alive. remember the times when you are happiest, what are you doing? When I am dancing with my friends, when I hear that perfect song, when I am driving along the coast of California, Salem, walking around in the woods, walking along the water, lying in the arms of the man I love.
what is it about being with a man that I think it is so important? what is it that I think they are serving me that I have believed that is the only way to survive? they are a reminder that I am not alone. that there is someone there to share my innermost secrets and desires and not feel judged. someone to talk to every day and live a consistent life. someone to take care of as they take care of me. someone that shows me love and affection. someone that will hold me when I cry, when I am scared, when I don’t know what else to do other than fall apart. to feel supported, to feel cared for, to show all of those things back. to be in a partnership where we have each others backs. to laugh, to make love, to smile, to play together and be together and know that there wouldn’t be any other place in the world I would rather be than in the arms of the one I love.
how do I get to a place where I can love myself so that I don’t rely on the love of a man to feel like I am accepted in this world. I have to begin to believe that I am worth it. I am worth all the love in the world and I deserve happiness. I am the creator of my life and I can either create a life full of sadness and regret or one of dreams fulfilled and joy and abundance. choose abundance and love always. when faced with choices that seem impossible, ask yourself what do I do now that will be the best thing for my best self. the only person that I have to be wonderful and lovely for is myself. I only have to be beautiful and happy for myself. life is beautiful and is meant to be lived and enjoyed. I have the power to choose. what do you choose Sivan. do you wish to keep waking up with sorrow or do you wish to wake up with excitement for the day? have faith that everything is happening for a reason. it is happening to show me more and more light, so that I learn more and more, about others and myself. everything is an experience. nothing is good or bad, they just are. the quicker I can learn to accept that, the quicker I can get to living a life of joy and abundance. I am supposed to be sitting right here, in my magical room, listening to the mamas and papas and cat stevens, hurting from the loss of Troy and the acceptance of having to stay in this place of the unknown when it comes to Ryan and I. With every ounce of my being I feel like we should be together, and I feel we will be together. if I am never with Ryan again, than it was never meant to be. he came into my life and shook it up and flipped it all sorts of ways. I have been unable to attend to the needs of myself and my family because I have been so caught up in my heartache. maybe its finally time to stop dictating my future based off of if Ryan will come back to me or not. remember there were reasons other than Troy that caused me to back away, and those reasons will still be there when I return. for a year now I have been pulled back and forth in two directions, and I think I have finally reached clarity. I am to be alone and take care of myself and get better. I can no longer tolerate the pain that Ryan causes me and the intense rollercoaster of emotions of his back and forth. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to feel this way anymore and he is choosing alcohol and drugs and sex over a soulful connection. he is a coward and hasn’t grown up. pleasing all of his senses and nothing deeper than that. so fucking sad. I am free Sivan. feel free and be wild and do all the things that you have been unable to do. travel. take classes. go to Yosemite. create a business. develop an herbal line. travel around with Shelby in a bus and sell vintage. start a food truck. develop your intuition and meditative practices. do yoga at night. take the power back.
what other choices do I have to make? I need to start making choices that make me feel better, that show me the way to my best self. that begins by making heart centered choices. waking up early, writing, reading, taking warm baths, yoga, visualizations, meditation, breathing, reiki, going for walks in the woods, spending time with friends, exercise, music, poetry, movies, astrology, stillness, quiet, solitude, acceptance that this is the way it is and should be.