twenty years in and I still cant fight this incessant longing that lingers within me every single day and night. my dreams are full of all my fears realized and there is no escape from the madness that is within me. I want to feel free and be at peace and wake up and know that everything will be ok. what is this karma I must endure that keeps me in this place of self hate and internal torture. why cant I love myself. why cant I stop being afraid of my own reflection. why did this eating disorder ruin my life and keep killing me every day for my entire lifetime. please help me. I cant do this on my own anymore. I need your strength. I am so tired.