Ryan, you are unable to let go of that past pain I have caused you so we are now unable to be together again at this moment. I need to go back and really look at why I made the choices I did to come home. When you came to me last year and said you were ready for me, I finally felt that my dreams were coming true. I had waited many years to for you to finally come to me and actually choose me. However, at that time I had finally reached a point where you were not a possibility anymore for me. you would always be someone that drove me wild and I cared for, but I was in love with Troy and believed that Troy and I were going to be happy together in the end. going through the loss of my grandma put me in an even vulnerable state. you were making fast and intense choices that were convincing me that being with you was the answer to all my pain. I really believed it was time that I finally had my happy ending. So I went through the sad process of pushing Troy away and eventually broke up with him. You and I moved faster than ever and I was in living with you the moment I said goodbye to Troy. You were supportive and loving and helpful in the beginning, and you promised me that you would be understanding through the transition process because obviously I was still in love with troy and it would take time for me to release those connections. So one month in, we were pure bliss. We went to Columbus together and had a beautiful time, however, there were moments where I felt like something was missing. I have to be honest with myself. That morning in the hotel room, I had a hard time with the differences of you and troy. you two are very different creatures and it was hard for me to not compare. I had just been with him, so everything was a reflection and a comparison. It wasn’t intentional, it just was how it was. but shit, we were good together. or was it that you just catered to my every need? you were always so conscious of my every action and every step, always watching me and paying attention. is that normal? is that healthy? I have never been with someone who paid such close attention to my every move, you were literally savoring me at every turn. was that a good thing? I think at first I really loved it but then maybe it became too much. I couldn’t really do anything without you having to be aware of it. I feel like we fell into a routine rather quickly. what happened that caused me to begin to pull away? Why did I do that? What was it about you that didn’t make me feel complete? Why could I not let go of Troy? I missed Troy, I missed looking into his eyes. I missed his energy, his youth, his curiousity, his drive, his talent, his love, his comfort. he had been my best friend for four years and then I wasn’t allowed to really speak to him anymore and it felt like death. there would have been no way that I could have just let that go. I had to figure out on my own if what I had chose was right. what were the things about you that caused me to begin to pull away?

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