A Broken Heart

I am hurting and in pain and unable to see that there can be light once again. I made choices because I felt they were the right thing to do.  However, I have lived without him before and I was ok. Remember that Sivan. you can feel love and happiness again. Remember when you met Troy. he was sitting there in the garden and his beautiful blue eyes pulled me over to him like a siren. Sitting down next to him, I was overly honest and shared myself with him. He became someone that I could be happy with. Troy is a beautiful and gentle man who loves me with all of his being and not only do his words tell me so, his actions have proven it time and time again. his level of understanding and forgiveness is unlike anyone I have ever known. let go of the old dream to embrace a new one.

stop believing that life can only me worthwhile with the companionship of a man. life can be just as rewarding and full of light and joy alone. I have been suffering from depression and problems for 20 years now. in those 20 years I have been with men. obviously, this isn’t working. no man is ever going to make me better. no man is going to save me. no man can heal me. no man can make all the pain go away. I am the only one that can save me. I am the only one that can help myself. I am the one who makes the choice to wake up, to smile or not smile, to laugh or not to laugh, to reach out or stay in, to be social or be alone. my life is created by my choices and it is within these choices that I can find peace and freedom. my purpose in this life is not to be with a man. my purpose is to reach the highest state of my being in this lifetime. I was given this human life to be able to share my divine self with the world. what can I offer the world that has nothing to do with a man? I can be a loving friend, a loving daughter and sister, I can help others in need, I can become a healer, I can be wise for those who need direction, I can listen when people need to share, I can provide warmth for those that feel alone, I can show encouragement for those feeling less than. there are so many ways that I can express my truth that have nothing to do with being with a man. being with a man has never solved my problems thus far, so how about you start working on your self for yourself. remember Yosemite. remember that feeling when you reached the top of a mountain, and only you got you there. there was nobody there to praise me, nobody there telling me good job, no one holding my hand. it was all for me and it felt incredible and that is my sacred place. where I feel free and alive. remember the times when you are happiest, what are you doing? When I am dancing with my friends, when I hear that perfect song, when I am driving along the coast of California, Salem, walking around in the woods, walking along the water, lying in the arms of the man I love.

what is it about being with a man that I think it is so important? what is it that I think they are serving me that I have believed that is the only way to survive? they are a reminder that I am not alone. that there is someone there to share my innermost secrets and desires and not feel judged. someone to talk to every day and live a consistent life. someone to take care of as they take care of me. someone that shows me love and affection. someone that will hold me when I cry, when I am scared, when I don’t know what else to do other than fall apart. to feel supported, to feel cared for, to show all of those things back. to be in a partnership where we have each others backs. to laugh, to make love, to smile, to play together and be together and know that there wouldn’t be any other place in the world I would rather be than in the arms of the one I love.

how do I get to a place where I can love myself so that I don’t rely on the love of a man to feel like I am accepted in this world. I have to begin to believe that I am worth it. I am worth all the love in the world and I deserve happiness. I am the creator of my life and I can either create a life full of sadness and regret or one of dreams fulfilled and joy and abundance. choose abundance and love always. when faced with choices that seem impossible, ask yourself what do I do now that will be the best thing for my best self. the only person that I have to be wonderful and lovely for is myself. I only have to be beautiful and happy for myself. life is beautiful and is meant to be lived and enjoyed. I have the power to choose. what do you choose Sivan. do you wish to keep waking up with sorrow or do you wish to wake up with excitement for the day? have faith that everything is happening for a reason. it is happening to show me more and more light, so that I learn more and more, about others and myself. everything is an experience. nothing is good or bad, they just are. the quicker I can learn to accept that, the quicker I can get to living a life of joy and abundance. I am supposed to be sitting right here, in my magical room, listening to the mamas and papas and cat stevens, hurting from the loss of Troy and the acceptance of having to stay in this place of the unknown when it comes to Ryan and I. With every ounce of my being I feel like we should be together, and I feel we will be together. if I am never with Ryan again, than it was never meant to be. he came into my life and shook it up and flipped it all sorts of ways. I have been unable to attend to the needs of myself and my family because I have been so caught up in my heartache. maybe its finally time to stop dictating my future based off of if Ryan will come back to me or not. remember there were reasons other than Troy that caused me to back away, and those reasons will still be there when I return. for a year now I have been pulled back and forth in two directions, and I think I have finally reached clarity. I am to be alone and take care of myself and get better. I can no longer tolerate the pain that Ryan causes me and the intense rollercoaster of emotions of his back and forth. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to feel this way anymore and he is choosing alcohol and drugs and sex over a soulful connection. he is a coward and hasn’t grown up. pleasing all of his senses and nothing deeper than that. so fucking sad. I am free Sivan. feel free and be wild and do all the things that you have been unable to do. travel. take classes. go to Yosemite. create a business. develop an herbal line. travel around with Shelby in a bus and sell vintage. start a food truck. develop your intuition and meditative practices. do yoga at night. take the power back.

what other choices do I have to make? I need to start making choices that make me feel better, that show me the way to my best self. that begins by making heart centered choices. waking up early, writing, reading, taking warm baths, yoga, visualizations, meditation, breathing, reiki, going for walks in the woods, spending time with friends, exercise, music, poetry, movies, astrology, stillness, quiet, solitude, acceptance that this is the way it is and should be.

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